“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”
This Beatitude has never particularly struck me. I like the one about hungering and thirsting. I’m always hungering and thirsting, though I’m pretty sure “pumpkin spice latte” cannot be substituted for “righteousness” in that passage.
Tonight though, as I read the verse about mourning, something in me was roused, and I paused and re-read it several times to put some shape to my intuition, because when we counselor people aren’t all up in your head, we’re all up in our own.
Here’s what I came up with:
1) I’m mourning. Over the past year, my career goals have taken a possibly fatal blow, and my sense of purpose has likewise toppled. I no longer know why I am in classes, or what I’m striving toward. I have few concrete plans beyond breakfast tomorrow. These losses have been beyond rough–I’ve had a plan for my life since I was 5 years old. Granted, that plan has shifted a bit–I wanted to be a jockey until I hit 5’5” at the age of 6–but I’ve always had a plan. Without goals, without purpose, I’m feeling pretty shaky on the security front, as well, and I love security like 12-year-olds love Justin Bieber.
2) It’s not bad to mourn. While I have clearly been relying far too heavily on purpose and plans, security and comfort, it’s ok to acknowledge, to myself and to God, that their sudden removal has left me shaken.
3) The best I can do right now is to continue. I was certain when I came to Columbia that God was bringing me here for a purpose. I may have been a little less enthusiastic about the move had I known that His vision for me included a spiritual pistol whipping, but God was merciful in concealing that from me, so I didn’t pull a Jonah and make a mad dash for the nearest big fish belly. God brought me here, and He’s not done with me. I was talking to my friend Christine tonight about the fact that I don’t feel God right now–but even the fact that I’m able to get up and function each day, the fact that I haven’t yet given in to a lifestyle of depression or anxiety (though I’ve certainly had “Nut Job Crazy Lady Psychopath” moments), is proof that the Holy Spirit is doing some major redecorating somewhere.
Therefore, I am comforted.
May you experience the same truth.
PS: I apologize for the general lack of editing, coherency, depth of thought, etc., that has gone into my last several posts. I’ve started ‘real’ writing in the past month, and I’m finding that writing for publication requires 300% more editing than any writing I have ever done before. By the time I get to my blog, I have few coherent thoughts and absolutely no compulsion to edit–not to mention none of the self-control that would usually dictate that I hold off on posting until I’ve done some perfecting. So. . .oops, I guess.