After my last relationally-oriented post, my male readers (both of them) protested that they felt I was working against them; now that girls were trained in how to shoot them down, these men felt that the formerly murky waters of romance had become actively unsafe. So when one of them suggested that I rectify the situation by writing a post for menfolk, I took him up on the challenge. Buckle up, boys. This is for you.
Disclaimer: If this advice doesn’t work, you don’t get a refund. I’ll tell you upfront that I am soundly unqualified to write this, having never successfully wooed so much as a parakeet.
However, I am (more or less) a woman, and having been unsuccessfully wooed on occasion, I can utilize the process of elimination to decipher which wooing tactics might work; and for the sake of journalistic integrity I also conferred extensively with many other girls so as to ensure that I’m directing you more or less correctly.
Ready? And go!
The setting: Your life.
The characters: You and a woman who appears to have recently fallen out of your dreams.
Your mission: Plant thoughts of yourself so unshakably in this woman’s head that she one day becomes convinced that you, too, are a dream creature.
The principles by which you should play:
1) Be creative
Best date idea I’ve ever heard: my friend Matt took his girlfriend Bailey to a furniture store for dinner. He brought along and set up a candlelight dinner for them on one of the show tables, and they got through maybe 6 bites before a furniture store employee kicked twoo wuv in the butt by demanding that they leave.
This kind of brazen creativity, my friends, is the way to a girl’s heart. No one else has a story about a date to a furniture store. I’m convinced that the furniture store employee who protested was just jealous. Truly, candlelight dinners at overpriced restaurants are cliché to the point of boredom. But something totally off-the-grid is bound to make her notice (note: make sure you take into account the kind of girl you’re working with before you break out your creativity. If she hates attention, for example, don’t surprise her with the chance to guest-star in a local theatre production. If she’s fond of, say, life, a make-your-own-hang-glider date is not recommended, and so on and so forth).
2) Be considerate
If there was one point I was to emphasize above all else, it’s this one. Of course, I’m packing quite a bit of meaning into that word; to be ‘considerate’ toward a woman of the ‘of your dreams’ variety means to take note of her; her needs, her likes and dislikes, how she functions in the world, and so on and so forth.
My friend Bentley uses as an example a time when a guy showed up to one of her morning classes with a mug of coffee for her. He knew that she was tired, he knew she liked coffee, and he knew she had a morning class. . .and where it was. Bonus points all ’round.
Concrete thoughtful actions like that are great; noticing when she’s looking particularly gorgeous, supplying her with her favorite kind of candy, leaving a little note on her windshield or in her notebook. . .if a girl is even slightly interested in you, little actions like this will fan the fire.
Not all actions of consideration have to be so concrete; I just love it when guys notice things about the way I work in the world. For example, I tend to be bone-headedly independent, and I appreciate so much the guys in my life who have picked up on this fact and refuse to let me get away with it; when one of my guy friends goes out of his way to serve me, it just makes my heart glad; if a guy I’m semi-interested in picks up on things like that, the ‘semi’ instantly becomes a thing of the past.
Don’t know where to start? Practice on your momma and sisters–they’ll love it, you’ll feel great, and potentially interested girls will find it totally attractive.
3) Be clear
This may seem like a foolish statement, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been having a conversation with a guy and then suddenly thought, “Wait. . .is he asking me out?” And maybe he wasn’t. But if you’re not asking a girl out, sirs, you have no business saying things like “Man, I’d really like to date a girl like you someday.” That may be a clear statement of intent in your mind, but in reality, it’s a vague and wholly ineffective attempt at. . .whatever it is you’re attempting.
This, son, is a travesty against your dignity.
You are a MAN.
You believe, bless your little heart, that you can tear out the heart of a (very small and possibly toothless) lion with your bare hands.
You chug gallons of milk for the sole purpose of throwing them up again.
YOU EAT BACON BY THE POUND.
You. Are. A. Man.
And it baffles me to no end that girls, even the puny ones that look like they would cry if confronted by a hamburger, are so terrifying to you that you can’t clearly state something as potentially benign as “Would you like to grab coffee with me sometime?” This is a question appropriate to almost any context and with almost any person, short of an imprisoned sociopath.
So just ask. Put it in actual words.
I know, I know. Rejection is the pits. But here’s the thing: no ask, no girl. Is she worth the risk?. . .that’s what I thought.
There are a bunch of other alliterative points of advice I could float your way: be consistent, be cautious (save marriage proposals for at least the second date, dear boys), be chivalrous. But this post is already too long, and romance too complicated, for me to include every piece of advice I wish I could confer to you. So all I can do at this point is hope that this advice is enough to at least get you started, and that your charming self does the rest. May your wooing go well with you.