Today I stumbled upon a hidden gem in my Facebook inbox that seems to have been created exclusively as a holding ground for the advances of Internet creepsters. Or, as my friend George put it, “for your hordes of adoring men.” (It’s all about perspective.)
There’s very little room for improvement in the wooing you will encounter below, so I just copied and pasted some of the most compelling messages for you, including all the original grammatical creativity, in order from least to most committed. May your heart be won, as mine was.
You have a great and angelic smile (So glad he clarified that it is both angelic AND great, rather than one of those run-of-the-mill angelic smiles. I’ve harbored concerns about that for quite some time)… I so much love your profile pic and i found it so interesting. You have this aura that makes you stand out among other women. (What a pick up line: excuse me, madam, your aura is showing.) If you would permit me to get more acquainted with you, i would appreciate it. Hope you have a lovely day as i wait to hear from you soon.
Humphrey–Hello Dear. You have a nice profile pic. Would love to know you better.I wouldn’t trade that smile for anything. (Is there a market somewhere for the bartering of facial features? What do you think the going rate for a smile is? I’ve got loans to repay. . .) I don’t know you, I was searching for an old friend,when i stumbled on your profile.I got entangled in that wonderful smile, couldn’t stop myself from saying hello…. you sparked an interest to me. If you have a chance, look at my profile and let me know if you would like to continue communicating. let me know the best time i can meet you online for a chat….regards
How are you doing? My names are PRESLEY DIAMOND, your photo are so beautiful, you are a pure duplicate of an angel. (Not quite a real angel, but a very good counterfeit. I’ll take what I can get.)
You have a beautiful profile that attracted my heart.
your beauty and smile captured my imagination and my heart started falling for you ,that’s because Your smile has a beauty that I find in no other profile..
Your eyes hold a sexiness and a passion others can only long for. As long as my heart beats,
I shall seek out your soul and be fulfilled!!!! in your beauty . (. . .I shall seek out your soul and be fulfilled!!!! in your beauty. WhatisthisIdon’teven. . .)
I am currently a single,i really don’t have much to say about my self except I am being asked and am from London . (Being asked. . .what?)
Dearest, I will really want to know you better, maybe , knowing an angel is like knowing the best thing in life. (Perhaps knowing an angel IS like knowing the best thing in life, Presley, but in that case, why are you pursuing ME, since you’ve clearly established above that I’m merely an engelic duplicate? Do you not find yourself worthy of a genuine angel? How does that relate to your relationship with your father? Call me, maybe, we’ll set up an appointment for therapy.) Please endeavor to send me a reply, you can reply me on my email email@example.com
I wait with curiosity to hear from you. Till then. Have a loving day.
hope to hear from u soon
Hello Lauren Wiest,
I’m John From London, how are u doing today I saw your profile today at Facebook and became interested in you and I would like
to go into intimate relationship with you upon Husband and Wife. (I certainly hope Husband and Wife are ok with this arrangement.) pls get back to my private e-mail (firstname.lastname@example.org) to enable me
add you on my yahoo messenger for us to be chating you can as well call me on my cell phone (+90555-555-5555) and your email address and your cell
phone number will be highly appreciated upon receipt of this message.
So there you have it. From now on, when people try to give me grief over my oft-stagnant love life I shall direct them to Facebook, where my profile is apparently doubling as the most effective matchmaker I’ve ever had.